So recently I’ve been wondering if I’m in love. Yea, I know i should just know, but i don’t. but i do know there is a boy who i met one summer…. and i just cannot shake the thought of him. i don’t really want to give much of a back story, but i do want to just bring to light some of the issues i’m dealing with.
1st of all I’ve never been in love before. i’ve only been in 2 “serious” relationships before. people have told me they were in love with me before, but i have not felt the same way about them. Another issue is I have never experienced much of a rejection before this. I have been turned down before, but in this situation I had some sort of relationship with this person, and then they took their love away. and it really hurt. and this has never happened to me before. I am wondering if this is what this is all about– the fact that i am dealing with rejection. Do i just want what I can’t have? Am i just not used to not having the power of “it’s over” in a relationship? This makes me wonder if i’m really in love or i am just experiencing a different feeling that i can’t explain….
Another issue with the whole situation is I know that this boy doesn’t feel anything remotely like what i feel about him. All that once was is gone. So I don’t know if I’m downplaying my feelings for fear of rejection— again. But then again do the feelings matter if the other party just doesn’t care? Also, maybe i’m holding onto the thought of what we had because it was back in a time when everything was perfect. maybe i’m in love with the feeling, or the memories, or that summer. :-/ This may well be true. because i’m also not really sexually attracted to the boy. i mean i think he’s cute, but i don’t want to have sex with him and i don’t think i want to be with him. i actually don’t think i want anything from him but for him to love me like he did before. i just hate the idea of him not loving me. makes me feel….. idk worthless.
Then i feel like i’ve been dealing with some self esteem issues. so maybe this has something to do with it. i’m really unsure in general. The thing that makes me feel like i’m in love the most is the fact that i think of him from time to time, but mostly wondering what i did wrong for him to un-love me.
just writing this really is helpful because it is helping me unravel my feelings. there is so much wrapped up all in one with this situation that it is hard to put everything together.
but i do want to share that i recently told him that i think i am in love with him. it was very hard for me to say because i was embarrassed. and he basically didn’t have anything to say. lol. but today he told me he doesn’t feel the same way about me and he wants me to respect that. i was like “DUH” in my head, but i just responded “ok”. I also realized that i may not be “in love” because hopefully when ur in love u actually care about the other person’s feelings. in this situation i am being purely selfish. so… maybe i am not in love. and maybe i never will be in love. and then maybe i will. but i no i need to figure this out because until i move on i will be “stuck”. and this is a horrible place to be stuck in.
