searching for something i never thought i needed
feeling unendingly empty
feeling like i am the ghost of somebody who once was
feeling like i used to live and now i just am
i exist, barely
i’d like to do something. to be active, to be loved, to be cherished, to be fun.
i’d like to be the old me
i’d like to be whole again
or maybe i’d like to be half again
either way it’s a lose- lose
because i will lose one thing looking for the other.
i do not believe in God. i do not believe in hope. i do not believe in the American dream.
i only believe in the pursuit of happiness that ends when u realize u’ll never truly be happy.
all the dreams i once had are so far away.
they don’t matter.
i’d even lie and say i never had them so i would;t have to deal with the sad realization of death.
now i have nightmares.
ad even hen they are real they are real.
and inside of my brain i compute like this: 01000111101010100101101011110011101111100001101111110101010101101010010111010111
yep basically, that’s basically
but no matter how much i interpret, and translate, and simplify… no one understands me 
and no one loves me like i want to be loved
i have no clue why
and i have no clue if i’m right
or normal
or sane
or alive.
i want to give up but i can’t.
i feel like a prisoner.
trapped.
no options, no decisions, no freedom.
and it makes all my love turn into hate.
and it’s the reason i’m bitter.
that’s it.
