My President is Black

You know that song? My president is black….Well, my presidennt IS Black. But he is not only my president–he is the president of the UnitedStates of America. Congrats Obama for becoming the first Black president. OMG. I go to Howard University, and it was sooooooo crazy when this dude won. I mean we were screaming and celebrating all in the streets!! People were driving by honking their car horns and everything. And it was like one of those things to me where I was like maybe it will hit me later because right now it still feels so unreal. I (along with almost everyone else I know) was emotional the whole election day. I was also nervous, I figured the government would try to screw around with the votes. I do know that they tried all they could to keep us from voting. Many absentee ballots were not sent to Howard University students. At one point voter protection said 100,000 people were calling in with the same complaint.  My godmother said 2 machines were broken in the hood when she went to go vote. I think Oprah ahd a little problem at the machine too! However, many people still were able to vote.  I think that there was an increase in voting in certain groups, such as, the young people, elderly Blacks, and all other types of strange things. lol. I’m just so happy. This is definitely a step forward for America, but know my people and I must do all we can to make sure that America continues to progress. We must be all we can be– because we are the future. Amen, hope has been restored to the land. I am so glad to have been at Howard university–The Mecca- on a historically black university where culture, wisdom, and knowledge run so deep. Even though I was not old wnough top vote this year, I was glad to be able to witness this historical election. God Bless America!! I really love this land.

 

–Victoria Draper @02608647

bitter

searching for something i never thought i needed
feeling unendingly empty
feeling like i am the ghost of somebody who once was
feeling like i used to live and now i just am
i exist, barely
i’d like to do something. to be active, to be loved, to be cherished, to be fun.
i’d like to be the old me
i’d like to be whole again
or maybe i’d like to be half again
either way it’s a lose- lose
because i will lose one thing looking for the other.
i do not believe in God. i do not believe in hope. i do not believe in the American dream.
i only believe in the pursuit of happiness that ends when u realize u’ll never truly be happy.

all the dreams i once had are so far away.
they don’t matter.
i’d even lie and say i never had them so i would;t have to deal with the sad realization of death.
now i have nightmares.
ad even hen they are real they are real.
and inside of my brain i compute like this: 01000111101010100101101011110011101111100001101111110101010101101010010111010111
yep basically, that’s basically
but no matter how much i interpret, and translate, and simplify… no one understands me
and no one loves me like i want to be loved
i have no clue why

and i have no clue if i’m right
or normal
or sane
or alive.

i want to give up but i can’t.
i feel like a prisoner.
trapped.
no options, no decisions, no freedom.
and it makes all my love turn into hate.
and it’s the reason i’m bitter.

that’s it.

What is Love?

So recently I’ve been wondering if I’m in love. Yea, I know i should just know, but i don’t. but i do know there is a boy who i met one summer…. and i just cannot shake the thought of him. i don’t really want to give much of a back story, but i do want to just bring to light some of the issues i’m dealing with. 

1st of all I’ve never been in love before. i’ve only been in 2 “serious” relationships before. people have told me they were in love with me before, but i have not felt the same way about them. Another issue is I have never experienced much of a rejection before this. I have been turned down before, but in this situation I had some sort of relationship with this person, and then they took their love away. and it really hurt. and this has never happened to me before. I am wondering if this is what this is all about– the fact that i am dealing with rejection. Do i just want what I can’t have? Am i just not used to not having the power of “it’s over” in a relationship? This makes me wonder if i’m really in love or i am just experiencing a different feeling that i can’t explain….

Another issue with the whole situation is I know that this boy doesn’t feel anything remotely like what i feel about him. All that once was is gone. So I don’t know if I’m downplaying my feelings for fear of rejection— again. But then again do the feelings matter if the other party just doesn’t care? Also, maybe i’m holding onto the thought of what we had because it was back in a time when everything was perfect. maybe i’m in love with the feeling, or the memories, or that summer. :-/ This may well be true. because i’m also not really sexually attracted to the boy. i mean i think he’s cute, but i don’t want to have sex with him and i don’t think i want to be with him. i actually don’t think i want anything from him but for him to love me like he did before. i just hate the idea of him not loving me. makes me feel….. idk worthless. 

Then i feel like i’ve been dealing with some self esteem issues. so maybe this has something to do with it. i’m really unsure in general. The thing that makes me feel like i’m in love the most is the fact that i think of him from time to time, but mostly wondering what i did wrong for him to un-love me. 

just writing this really is helpful because it is helping me unravel my feelings. there is so much wrapped up all in one with this situation that it is hard to put everything together. 

but i do want to share that i recently told him that i think i am in love with him. it was very hard for me to say because i was embarrassed. and he basically didn’t have anything to say. lol. but today he told me he doesn’t feel the same way about me and he wants me to respect that. i was like “DUH” in my head, but i just responded “ok”. I also realized that i may not be “in love” because hopefully when ur in love u actually care about the other person’s feelings. in this situation i am being purely selfish. so… maybe i am not in love. and maybe i never will be in love. and then maybe i will. but i no i need to figure this out because until i move on i will be “stuck”. and this is a horrible place to be stuck in. 

 

looking within, expressing without

I feel like by the time you come to college you know yourself somewhat. also, i believe that in college you find yourself… or atleast you try to. u explore new things, you take risks, you let loose… all that. and for a while i just thought that i was evolving all the while trying on different “me’s” until i found the one that fit best.

but recently i realized ive just been doing the same thing as always. which is, going through life phases. i have gone through fashion styles, hairstyles, sexuality labels, relationships, interests, and a whole lot of other things. i have had a couple of life changing experiences. i have become a mother.

now that I am a senior at Howard I am beginning to realize that the journey to finding myself has only just begun. Lately I’ve realized that I must open up and assess things I haven’t thought about in years. I also had to re evaluate some things i though about myself. In some ways i am still the same confused little girl i came here as. in some ways i’m much wiser. in other ways im even more confused and lost.

*sigh* well i guess it’s not all bad. i needed to realize that nothing is ever going to be set in stone. i believe that in life the only constant is change… so i realize that if i am forever changing and so is the world, i will never completely know myself.

i just have to be open to growth and learn from my experiences. i have to trust myself to make the right choices and trust that i will forgive myself if and when i don’t.

i am excited to be nearing the end of my undergrad career. i am even more excited to be a new mother to my beautiful daughter, Somnia Ray Madison Draper. I am thankful for all the blessings i’ve received and equally as thankful for all the struggles ive had to go through to get to where i am today.

i know that i will make it through. i hope to help others out as much as possible and as often as possible. im also hoping that i wont lose sight of my goals, and more importantly, that i wont lose my motivation. for the rest of you out there: keep your head up.

#vickysmileyface

Time less treasures: a poem response

I created this poem in response to the actions of someone who created a poem that began with the same first line.

baby, i just wanna hold your hand
why do u pull away?
i just wanna love u
starting from today
i cannot live without u
the feeling is so strong
i want us to be together
for a lifelong
when i wake up in the morning
i want to see you there
but you don’t truly love me
and i’m painfully aware
it was intended to be temporary
but didn’t we almost have it all?
how could you make something life changing
seem so small?
well fuck you then
you heartless bitch
i guess i’ll die alone

Dreams, motherhood, somnia

Alll through this pregnancy I’ve been having crazy dreams. I have been reading that is common. The only thing is that these dreams are always scary!!

For instance, I had a dream once that I lost my baby and I couldn’t find her. But, the thing was, I know I’m really irresponsible and was scared that I misplaced her. Instead, someone had stolen her!! It was crazy. There were alot of people there some were outraged and helping me find her while others were kind of just there for the show. all people I know.

Earlier on in pregnancy I had a dream some random girl tied to kill my baby by putting some poison in my drink that would make me have a miscarriage. All along my bestfriend knew about it and said she didn’t help or even care because I was being a careless mother anyway!I killed the girl that tried to kill my baby.

Most of the dreams I’ve had are violent and crazy and the nicest ones are always with the father of my child finally coming around and speaking to me. Saying most of the times that he’ll be there. The worst part is in real life the dreams make me scared and even the good ones with my baby’s father are depressing because he won’t even talk to me. Shit is weird.

So the night before last I had a dream that I had a SON (I’m supposed to have a girl) and his father is some random guy. And I guess I was unconscious after birth and the father was granted custody of the child and he also named the boy Christopher. In a chronic bout of depression I went on with my life like nothing ever happened. I didn’t even know my own child’s name I didn’t visit him. Nothing. I started getting close to this little boy who was my child’s friend. They were only like 1.5 years old but ttalk and walk like toddlers. One day I snapped. I walked into the father’s house to ask about the child. He wasn’t compliant with whatever I was asking him so I started to choke him and trash his house (where my child and other people lived). So, I kidnapped the baby when no one was looking in the hallway of the building and I ran away with him. For some reason now the baby was 6 months and small enough to fit in a basket. I was in NYC on the bus and the police were all over the city looking for me because my child was technically missing. The whole time I knew I had lost it and I would be caught and there was no hope of redemtion for me to be a mother. When I snapped I remember the reason I was most angry was because I wasn’t able to breast feed the baby.

Last night I dreamt that the father of my child and I were in the same vicinity. We were on line to get some food. (There was another plot to the dream to which fades in importance once this happens.) He asks to speak to me. He says how is “Baby Draper” doing? Then he asks what I want him to do for “the little girl”. He says he wants to be there, but he won’t be able to support her much at all financially, and for some reason I felt like he was insinuating that he would be caring for his other child more than mine. I felt like it was progress, but it wasn’t enough…

In the past, I’ve had a dream that while I was asleep after birth some other people named my baby and everything.

I always have dreams where my baby is actually a boy instead of a girl, or someone else names my baby, or for some reason something is done to or for my baby aginst my will, or the father wants to speak to me. When I have dreams that aren’t ABOUT the pregnancy, I am always not showing. Like subconsciously I know I’m pregnant, but I never say it and I never look like it to the outside world. I’m so terrified by all of these dreams. I feel like I’m becoming depressed and the dreams make me not want to be a mother for fear I’ll be a bad one, or that i’m incapable, or that the baby won’t be in the best situation. I feel so hopeless…

- Victoria Draper

<3 Somnia …. it's weird I am adamant on naming her something that means dreams…

New year, Same Shit #2011

So, for some reason i don’t really remember 2010 beig too great. it held many surprises though. Now it’s time to move on to a new year. I want to move on without regrets and without grudges. For some reason this holiday season hasn’t meant much to me. I havn’t been excited and I havn’t made a NY resolution list yet. so… that’s what i’m going to do now. *thinks for a second*

1. transition into being a new mom
2. get and keep a job and take income and bills more seriously
3. stop being lazy and procrastinating
4. work on having more self control
5. figure out what i want in life and how i am to get there

that should suffice….

Merry X-mas

today is xmas. and i am not necessarily happy. looking bakk on my life up until now. idk the older i get the closer to death i feel, yet the further from death i feel. i no that death is the only time i will ever be at complete peace. so i feel so divided. in one lite im happiest when im in chaos. when life is one big cacophany. but sometimes its like life is a fukkin overload and i feel like i wish i was at true peace. i think of death often, and on xmas i think of death the most.

X-mas. the x represents so many things. the x marks the spot where the treasure lies. it reminds you of where you aren’t. on the other hand, the x reminds u of death. x, cancel, crossed eyes, death. the x also means none. it’s like crossing something out. it makes me think of how i dont want it to be xmas. how i do not like xmas. i havnt liked xmas since i was like 9. my last xmas with my Grammah.

My Grammah will forever and always be home. and since she’s dead i’ll forever be anomad. a motherless child far from home. lost. and i feel like i have no family. no home. no love. i wonder how many people no how it feels to not have a place to call home. that place that you automatically go for xmas. the place u no the tree will be that has gifts with your name on under it. the place that u truly want to be. X… x is where home is therefore that is where my heart is. therefore i’m hesrtless.

i try to enjoy the holiday with my “family”, but everyone knows how that is when u go to your aunt’s house for thanksgiving because you can’t make it home to your immediate family. i HATE family holidays so much. sometimes im so confused because ive felt dead since life had just begun.

gifts are a distraction. sometimes i can open gifts and give gifts and feel like something is there… like there’s something. but i no its not Christmas. its xmas. and i lowkey just cant wait for it to be over so i can get bakk to skool with all my skoolmates. i’d rather be in that chaos than living in this lie.

*sigh* sometimes i want to just cry until my body has no more water left. till i cant breathe anymore. but i don’t because i can’t. im too numb.

i like to be over dramatic and over emotional to cover up the fact that deep down inside i feel nothing. im still numb.

i hate xmas. and new years is almost worse. it just makes me think of another fukkn year that ive trudged through and pretended to care about the memories ive made that dont even faze me. Xmas…

im a team captain that picks my own team. my team is my family. i think the only thing i have left is love. my love is actually quite strong, but i never feel like it’s fully reciprocated. im sure if i had my Grammah and my life back i wouldn’t love others so strongly either, or maybe i would. but its like the people and things i choose to love are all i have. and im not all they have.

i guess that’s another reason all my relationships fail. people have loved me very strongly, but i couldnt love them like they loved me. or i couldn;t love them more than i loved my team. yeat my team didn’t love me half as much as i love them…. sometimes i think i love to suffer. i thrive off of inconsistency and erratic emotion.

but now that Somnia is on the way i may have to …actually be happy. it sounds weird. but that may be the hardest thing ive ever had to do since age 9. truly be happy and love someone more than i love “the team”. and maybe… just maybe i’ll be normal.

and maybe next year i can truly have a “Merry Xmas” too…

:-/
Victoria Draper
twitter.com/toorealtoosoon

love is a strong word

Sometimes i think im not meant to have a romantic love. im not meant to get married. im not built to be with anyone forever. i mean, how can someone love someone so broken? someone with such a burden, so much history, so many problems. sometimes i think people attract people who have been through what they’ve been through. but what if i want someone normal? i really do… it’s just not gonna happen though. i want someone who is normal, yet complex, talented, understanding, emotional, warm…. the list just goes on. *sigh* im normally just into flings even emotional flings. but i get bored of ppl often. i no ppl dont have the same problem with me, but i gess the problem with me is that noone can put up with ALL of me. i require so much attention and patience. i require way too much.

i really like someone rite now, but i think it ruins it that i just think about if whether we could/ will be together forever. I’m normally just a “right now” person. but the fact that i always try to see into to future with my relationships always causes me to over assess shit and end the relationship quickly. i do enjoy being single from time to time. but, idk maybe i just feel old…

Apples & Bananas

I have an eating disorder. I always thought it was a possibility, but the pregnancy has brought it fully to light. the absence of any type of appetite even when pregnant! now the 1st step is admitting you have a problem. but in admitting it u always find that #itaintthateasy i mean we wld all like to thnk the pregnancy makes me force myself to eat for the sake of the child. and it does! but its still 10x harder than it shld be. the scariest thng is finding out u cant even trust urself!

my mind tells me food is nasty and dont eat it. ESPECIALLY now that im pregnant… why would it be anti survival?!!!! that’s weird. but the mind is a powerful thing, and because i am such an intellectual it is natural that it is hard to ignore my brain. and they say “listen to your heart” but your “heart” is simply a section o ur mind dedicated to emotion and another section is devoted to logic. What if ur mind has turned ur heart against u and ur logic has gone awry. what is ur “heart” is out to defeat your actual heart. well that’s what a psychologically induced eating disorder is.

This pregnancy is so valuable to ME because in protecting my child i must first fix me. little did i no how fukked up i was. no time to weep only time to heal. :-/

#itsacatch22

ifi survive i’ll let u no. but ive been a survivor since birth. i no i will make it through this time

- @twiceasniice

All i do is think of you…day and night

I’m sooooo anxious!!! OMFG all i think about is “my child” smh. i know that may sound like a good thing, but it’s not!!! i mean it keeps me happy as hell, but it keeps me from doing things like school work and living a real life. smfh.

so this boy calls me yesterday and made me wanna kill myself! WHY does he want me to abort our unborn child!?!?! i cnt take it. he makes me soooo fukkn sad. i wish he wld just lemme alone… i will NOT silence baby’s beating heart. NEVER i will sacrifice my own life before i do tht. everyone else seems to understand. what a selfish asshole Peezy can be!

Anyways, today i went grocery shopping for the rest of the stuff i hadn’t gotten yet. Now i am completely satisfied i can actually live off of that food for like a month. But when my sister comes home… *sigh* maybe a month maybe a little under a month… i’m tryna make it last though.

I reeeeeally need to do my homework, but i dont have a working computer, and my job’s computer doesn’t have Word. *sigh* i really need As this semester and i can’t afford incompletes either! Well, I’m definitely getting better at this pregnant college student thing. I’m really gonna try to step it up…

So, I accidentally announced to FB that I was preggo thru my blogg with the picture. lol. #kanyeshrug niggas was gonna find out eventually. I still feel excited and blessed, but other things are starting to wear on me… my ex bf is really mean now that he knows im keeping it, and it’s really hurting me because i need all the love and support i can get right now. the father of my child is begging me to kill it, and it makes me want to go OFF like on some crazy bitch shit. but i cant afford to let either of those things bother me because i cant jeopardize our health. Lastly, my schoolwork is making me sad because I really want to graduate on time. I believe in myself.

So, idk. im a little more stressed lately. I keep worrying about the future. Will I have to move into my own apartment? how will i afford it? Do i need a car? idk…. i just don’t know. Will I be able to keep my job? Who will babysit while I work?

I’m so grateful to those who have offered their help. I need the most attention and love now. because i cant give it to myself. Sooooo much im worried about all i can do is read, write, talk, and think about this pregnancy. its driving me fukking wild!

Something has to give… I need to get a little more organized. I just want this shit to fast fwd to the 3rd trimester. its to early to be so worried. Time has its way of killing you. hmmmm…. idk.

#thatisall for now

and i changed my twitter name to @twiceasniice <follow me!!

- cinderella